“I feel my boots trying to leave the ground, I feel my heart pumping hard. I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.” – Mary Oliver
“Are you still writing?”
I hadn’t spoken to him in 10 years, but in the 3 minutes we spent on the phone, he asked if I was still writing.
“A little,” I said.
A little?
I still can’t do it. I still feel apologetic when I talk about writing.
Then someone I loved asked me if I actually wanted to be a writer… after all, I don’t act like one.
Do I? Do I want to be a writer? Do I love writing? No. I love words. I love words that when strung together have the power to create inspiration and connection. I love what is possible when you write.
The truth will be evident to anyone who really knows me or who reads this blog occasionally.
The truth is that writing scares me, but it is actually bigger than that:
I scare me.
I can’t just sit down and write for the sake of writing. I could never paint for the sake of painting or cook for the sake of cooking or tidy for the sake of tidying, or exercise for the sake of simply moving my body. In the past, everything with me has had to be a production, the creation of something wonderful or be in some way A BIG DEAL.
So it is no surprise that I just stopped trying. Grown-up life just didn’t have the fireworks that I craved, and feeling that electric every day with no return just creates disappointment. Then, forgetting that I had given up shooting for the moon, I went through hell trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t living up to my own perceived potential.
That’s where 2012 comes in.
Marianne Williamson said: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
It is my light that most frightens me, but I have spent years focusing instead on the darkness.
2012 is about focusing on the light. Period. But instead of giving myself more pressure to be, do and feel all at once, 2012 is about emerging.
Emerge for me is traveling the distance between the dark and the light, choosing to step closer to one and farther away from the other. It’s made up of one choice, one step, one feeling at a time and being patient if those movements take a little while.
I am capable of miracles. I am capable of magic.
…and blinking, I step closer to the light.
xo
Image and Sculpture by Paige Bradley
Oh, Megg, this resonates on so many levels! I, too, am scared of the light, and even though I have a good idea as to why that is (after years of trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me! Doh!) I am still having a hard time reaching for the light. You inspire me and I think this is the perfect word for you! And are you kidding, you ARE a writer. Whatever happens with the manuscript that you were kind enough to let me read, it proved to me beyond a doubt that you are even a great writer. I hope this also means that you will blog more again because I have always very much enjoyed coming here 🙂 Best of luck to you, Megg, may 2012 be an amazing and emerging year for you! Kerstin xoxo
I feel a bit like this too today, like I cannot carry on hiding, but need to let that electricity course through me! It is good to meet you, I can’t remember now how I got pointed to your site, but I am glad that I did. I look forward to seeing more of you emerging in 2012.
Love that Williamson quote. I,too, often want what I do to be perfect, a masterpiece and heralded. The truth is that most of what “artists” create is bumpf and it is the occasional piece, the one after that all the previous bumpf that needed to be sorted through and released, was able to allow to come through. My word for the year to come is “me”. I am tired of putting me last, tired of another year over and not enough done by me for me. And last week when I was nagging my son to practice the piano and that he wouldn’t get better unless he did practice, it dawned on me that what I need is to practice my own craft if I am going to get better at it. So much illumination for one week, I had to lay down and take a nap. I’m happy to provide more coffee snorting moments, whenever I can. Happy new year and happy emerging!
Wishing you a year full of shining light, you are so very capable of magic and I love your word for the year very much. I chose that Mary Oliver quote as my leitmotif for this year, her words sing to me 🙂 Lots of love, Milena
You glow like a firefly.
xo