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Unfamiliar Ground

February 9, 2011

“So off we go, down into a different world, under a different sky, with unfamiliar ground beneath our boots.” – Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The week before Mark and I got married, our families hosted a rehearsal dinner for us. Well I decided that I would rock some killer heels for the party and bought a fabulous pair of green shoes. The confidence they gave me caused much hair flipping and sassy leg crossing until about half-way through the party. I know that you all think I’m going to say my feet hurt, but they weren’t the problem. No. I actually began to feel uncomfortable being a different size.

Taller than my Dad, my Mom and my fiance, I didn’t fit into the space normally held for me. At first I enjoyed the feeling, but as the night wore on I felt like I was taking up too much space. When I had first arrived people talked about how great my shoes were but as my confidence shrunk they talked instead about how tall I was wearing them.

I took them off.

This week I have felt the same way: like I was taking up a different space. Claiming my space as a writer felt so liberating, but as the days passed I felt a pressure to write something marvelous or put up a killer blog post. Instead I played around on Pinterest and didn’t write a thing. The ground I was walking on was too unfamiliar and I began kicking off my shoes.

Space once claimed however, does not go quietly! Characters have been bombarding me and stories have appeared around every corner (literally – they have accosted me on my walk to work.) I’ve sat them down in a circle and told them to wait their turn. They grumbled a bit, but when I gave them stickers with numbers on them like American Idol contestants, they gave in. And looking over the assembled I can safely say that this next book is going to be delicious.

So I’ve begun writing again. With these folks waiting I haven’t got time to feel small.

In the meantime if you are on my mailing list, watch your inbox. I might just send out a bedtime story or two.

Brave, emotions, Wild Woman

Fear or Passion?

May 24, 2010

“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” – Kent Nerburn

monkey tree It is possible to have an epiphany while watching daytime television. I had one this morning. Stephen Fry was being interviewed about a program he has made about the music of Wager. He said that when he hears Wagner, he has a physical reaction, much like the one you get when you are at the dentist and they hit a nerve and your whole body gets a jolt. My first thought: I don’t feel that way about anything. My epiphany: maybe it’s reversable.

I need to say that I am not a cold fish; I do feel things very strongly. The physical feelings of fear and passion, however, are very similar. This morning I wondered if there have been times when I have mistaken one for the other. To allow something external to have the effect of a jolt of energy internally is a very brave act. To go with that feeling right to the end without running away from it or dismissing it as fear is downright audacious.

I have memories of being too much for people. I’ve been too smart, too fat, too messy, too loud, too old, too lots of things. We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down. To stop being too much we needed to stop giving in to the bigger, brighter, bolder impulses. Passion and excitement began to make us nervous, and perhaps it was there that the feelings got muddled.

Nerves or excitement? Fear or passion? Jolts of energy. Un-swallowed tears. It’s time to remember. It’s time to let go. I want a good old big fat lump in my throat and I want me some healthy goosebumps. Passion, you are officially invited back in to my life.

(Good news: I got a healthy shiver down my spine just typing this! RRrrooooaaaRRrrr.)

Brave

Playing Medium

October 30, 2009

“What are the conditions you’d need in your world in order to feel like you were living in paradise?” – Richard Geer

BigPoster

Doesn’t that quote fill you with a bit of a delicious tingle? To me it feels dangerous and big. I’ve been surrounded by delicious and dangerous thoughts lately. They have been streaming out of the world towards me as if they have just all been waiting – lining up – until I began to pay attention.

Something I was reading lately said that everything you need to know is always all around you, but until you are ready for it – until something in you resonates with it – it will remain invisible. I love that. I played with that thought yesterday as I had a big-city adventure. I tried to notice what I noticed. Why did I see certain people and things and not others? More importantly, what wasn’t I seeing? What are my filters keeping from me?

I watched a video this morning by Christine Kane. In it she talks about being in the “Play-Big Zone.” Funnily enough, it was when she talked about “playing medium” that my little soul perked up. I saw that part: it got through my filters. Playing medium means that you feel like you are nearly there, but you don’t let yourself be bigger. You catch glimpses of who you could be, but then you get scared and turn away, falling into bad habits and avoidance tendancies. I heard Christine loud and clear right then and recognized myself in her words. But I don’t want to resonate with medium! So I backed the thing up and watched her video again. I paid better attention, and found that it scared me a lot! No wonder I hadn’t really listened the first time. Part of me wanted to make art out of her words and hang it on my door and begin to play bigger. The other part of me was scared: “But I’d have to take it down if people came over, because what if people saw it?” HA! and: “But I don’t think I can do it, it’s too much pressure.” Double HA!

Maybe I am really not lazy. Maybe I have just been avoiding potential. It’s safer and warmer here in the land of medium. It’s not too hot or too cold,and I don’t have to put my head above the parapet and risk rejection or mockery or worse still: success. I don’t have to forge my own way, I can sit and read about other people’s adventures. It’s nice here, all snug and safe and almost.

But am I finally ready for big? Are you?

Newer Posts

Unfamiliar Ground

“So off we go, down into a different world, under a different sky, with unfamiliar ground beneath our boots.” – Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Fear or Passion?

Playing Medium

“What are the conditions you’d need in your world in order to feel like you were living in paradise?” – Richard Geer

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