“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” – Kent Nerburn
It is possible to have an epiphany while watching daytime television. I had one this morning. Stephen Fry was being interviewed about a program he has made about the music of Wager. He said that when he hears Wagner, he has a physical reaction, much like the one you get when you are at the dentist and they hit a nerve and your whole body gets a jolt. My first thought: I don’t feel that way about anything. My epiphany: maybe it’s reversable.
I need to say that I am not a cold fish; I do feel things very strongly. The physical feelings of fear and passion, however, are very similar. This morning I wondered if there have been times when I have mistaken one for the other. To allow something external to have the effect of a jolt of energy internally is a very brave act. To go with that feeling right to the end without running away from it or dismissing it as fear is downright audacious.
I have memories of being too much for people. I’ve been too smart, too fat, too messy, too loud, too old, too lots of things. We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down. To stop being too much we needed to stop giving in to the bigger, brighter, bolder impulses. Passion and excitement began to make us nervous, and perhaps it was there that the feelings got muddled.
Nerves or excitement? Fear or passion? Jolts of energy. Un-swallowed tears. It’s time to remember. It’s time to let go. I want a good old big fat lump in my throat and I want me some healthy goosebumps. Passion, you are officially invited back in to my life.
(Good news: I got a healthy shiver down my spine just typing this! RRrrooooaaaRRrrr.)
xo
LOVE it… very inspiring 🙂
Wow. I am in awe at how much I relate to you. Yes, fear and passion get muddled with me too at times. I keep wondering if my “gut” is trying to tell me something or I am just afraid of being who I really am. If I really showed the world who I was, what then? And if they couldn’t deal with it, what would happen? What am I so afraid of? This is true for love too..to lean into it instead of running away is difficult if you’ve been hurt.
It’s always safer to stay on the concrete next to the roller coaster, Megg 🙂
Getting even nicer to know you..
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
When I was younger I used to confuse fear with excitement. I totally interpreted things I was actually afraid of (marrying the wrong guy, for example) as exciting! And things I was excited about (travelling) I talked myself out of, telling myself I was too scared. It was all about becoming ok with who I was, listening to what I really wanted and not worrying anymore about whether I was too fat, too loud, too poor, too messy, too smart, too dumb, too blonde…the list goes on. A life lived in fear is a life half lived, as the Strictly Ballroom movie put it.
Really loving these insights into you and what you are discovering. Life needs to be filled with passion, absolutely!! xx
Pema Chodron sums it up well: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”, and I couldn’t agree more with her.
I’ve visited your site many times and have always been impressed by what I’ve found here. But this post has finally brought this lurker out of the shadows. 🙂
“We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down.” Oh my. What you’ve written here really resonates with me. Brilliant. Thank you for the inspiration and food for thought!
On the money. I am very good at confusing the two – just ask my anxiety disorder, she who keeps me from doing things because I’m scared? Not always. In fact, not usually. Because I’m excited more often than not – the adrenaline starts to pump and I misinterpret it as panic and there you go. Fear wins out.
FABULOUS post!! Love it, love it, love it when you roar! 🙂
I can relate to this so much.
For years I kept all my big emotions and bold thoughts to myself in the hopes that people would like me more if I just agreed with their thoughts. Recently though, I’ve been letting them out. Sometimes I see things that are so beautiful or make me so happy that my heart literally aches and I can feel my chest growing tighter, as if my body isn’t enough to hold all the wonderful things I see in the world.
Funnily enough, this feeling of tightness in my chest is exactly the same as I’ve experienced when anxious or stressed. It’s the feeling that makes my breath shallow and my eyes dart. But when I’m happy and I feel that, it makes me take a deep breath, close my eyes and dance.
big emotions scare me – mostly because they scare other people and i am only learning that i don’t need the approval of others to float my boat… i feel scared sometimes bobbing around in that big sea of feelings but who knows what wonderful lands i might reach if i don’t keep myself tethered to other people’s shores
i wrote a response to this on my blog… thankyou for the food for thought!
RRrrOooaaaAArrRRRRR!!!… right back at ya sister 🙂
Be yourself no matter what and enjoy the roller coaster that is life 🙂
Luv Min
xXx