emotions

bbc, emerge, emotions, fear, Sacred Feminine, writing

Where Your Heart Is

June 26, 2011

“Where your heart is, there is your power. Without this energy nothing in your life can manifest or flourish, from your romantic relationships to your artistic creativity.” – Caroline Myss (from Sacred Contracts)

She said to me: “I love your shoes. Very Sacred Feminine.” When I had caught my breath she had already moved on to another conversation. Sometimes moments like that really throw me. I spend a lot of my time going through the world knowing that people have no idea who I am. To be seen like that is a gift I do not take lightly.

I stopped blogging because I was scared of where I was going. I was scared of the path through the trees and the images that were coming to me. I was scared that you wouldn’t like it if I went on and on about stories and archetypes and metaphors. I was scared that I would come across as a new-age nut and no-one would read a word I wrote ever again. I had been joined by the old pain-in-the-ass: “Who Do You Think You Are?”

What I discovered, however, is that once you crack open the door to your heart, there is no closing it again. I’ve been bombarded with signs and dreams and connections and messages and messengers and love. In the face of all of that, who am I not to listen? So I’m back and I am listening and I am writing and I know that this kind of writing is where my heart is.

“Where your heart is, there is your power.” Carolinewriting Myss is a genius.

emotions, grief, love, Musings

Missing You ~

March 27, 2011

“People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal.” – Patricia Hampl

I’m full of thought today. Memories have been swamping me, leaving me feeling a little breathless. I’m not sure what has triggered them all, but I know that these days in March always leave me a little sad. I lost people dear to me over a span of days in subsequent Marches some years ago, and the anniversary of those losses has never gone away. Does it ever? Can you ever get through an anniversary without thinking about it? I doubt it.

My dreams have also been filled with old, old friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in at least a decade. Why are they all stopping here now? Why are they so fully with me that I want to ring them up to make sure their voices sound the same? Echoes and memories and 17-year-old versions of us are giving me shivers up and down my back as I let them in. They are so close I can almost smell them.

Big stuff must be surfacing.

In 2006 I wrote a poem about a friend who we lost one March a lifetime ago. It has been one of the voices in my head so I need to put it here. I ask you again ~ do anniversaries ever get easier?

For M ~

When you died
we were twenty.
Two souls –
three days apart.
Salt and pepper
light and dark
girl and boy.

It doesn’t get easier –

It gets harder
because some days
I don’t think of you at all
and then when I do
I remember.

Where is the line?
The one that you crossed.
The one between
sadness and darkness?
Why couldn’t you see
the way back?

I miss you.

There is a hole inside of me
where you used to be
It is surrounded by questions
that you can’t answer.

You’ve missed a lot
you know.
I’ve danced alone at two weddings
and you’re an uncle now.
I’m an aunt, too.
Or do you know that already?

Please
come back.
Explain it all to me.

Two souls.
Three days apart.
One will be twenty forever
and one never will be again.

xoox

Brave, emotions, Wild Woman

Fear or Passion?

May 24, 2010

“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” – Kent Nerburn

monkey tree It is possible to have an epiphany while watching daytime television. I had one this morning. Stephen Fry was being interviewed about a program he has made about the music of Wager. He said that when he hears Wagner, he has a physical reaction, much like the one you get when you are at the dentist and they hit a nerve and your whole body gets a jolt. My first thought: I don’t feel that way about anything. My epiphany: maybe it’s reversable.

I need to say that I am not a cold fish; I do feel things very strongly. The physical feelings of fear and passion, however, are very similar. This morning I wondered if there have been times when I have mistaken one for the other. To allow something external to have the effect of a jolt of energy internally is a very brave act. To go with that feeling right to the end without running away from it or dismissing it as fear is downright audacious.

I have memories of being too much for people. I’ve been too smart, too fat, too messy, too loud, too old, too lots of things. We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down. To stop being too much we needed to stop giving in to the bigger, brighter, bolder impulses. Passion and excitement began to make us nervous, and perhaps it was there that the feelings got muddled.

Nerves or excitement? Fear or passion? Jolts of energy. Un-swallowed tears. It’s time to remember. It’s time to let go. I want a good old big fat lump in my throat and I want me some healthy goosebumps. Passion, you are officially invited back in to my life.

(Good news: I got a healthy shiver down my spine just typing this! RRrrooooaaaRRrrr.)

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Where Your Heart Is

“Where your heart is, there is your power. Without this energy nothing in your life can manifest or flourish, from your romantic relationships to your artistic creativity.” – Caroline Myss (from Sacred Contracts)

Missing You ~

“People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal.” – Patricia Hampl

Fear or Passion?

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