Afraid of My Light

“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

My green-eyed monster reared its ugly head today. Instead of seething in a soup of jealousy, I got very still, closed my eyes, and asked it what it wanted.  It turned out that inside of my head was a small green gremlin, jumping up and down shouting, “See me too! See me too!”

When I sat with it and cuddled it and tried to understand it, it disappeared. In its place was a very small soul. Looking out at me through tangled hair, it was huddled in a dark corner. The message coming from it was very different. The message coming from it was, “It’s not safe to be seen.”

No matter how long I sat there and tried to visualise it uncurling and coming out of hiding, it wouldn’t budge. This is a very deep, very old piece – possibly even older than I am – and like approaching a frightened animal, I know I need to take it slowly. I need to move a little closer to it every day; gain its trust before it will allow me in.

I share this today because the more I get to know myself and the more time I spend with other women, the more I understand that we are desperately afraid of ourselves. We are afraid to want. Afraid to be big. Afraid to be loud. Afraid to take up space. Afraid to be seen.

We are afraid of our light.

But we want those things just as much. We want to be seen. We want to stretch out to our edges. We want to be lit up from the inside so that we can shine that light outwards.

And the world needs that light. So badly.

So I told that little soul that I would be back. Every day. And together we would figure it out  – until we both felt safe being seen. I committed to this because I know that every time one of us heals – even just a little – we shine a little brighter, and that light can help others do the same.

What will it take to shine your light?

xo