fear

Letting Go of Red Alert

January 21, 2014

“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.” ― Winifred Gallagher

I have a slightly skewed superpower: when I look at any situation, I can see the conclusion. What makes my power skewed is that I can’t see the actual conclusion. Instead I can see the worst possible conclusion; what could happen if I don’t do something like lock the door, do the risk assessment, buy travel insurance or go somewhere without first looking it all up on the internet.

I know that there are wonderful blessings from this power. I always – always – have the paperwork/ number/ list/ pen. I have flying down to a fine art, and I always have a plan. This has made me soar up the ranks in my career, and I can see how to use my power for good.

But for some reason when it comes to my dreams, this power holds me back.

You see, being able to see the worst means that I have been operating in a perpetual state of red alert. My husband only half-jokingly occasionally calls me a squirrel. That’s me: constantly preparing for winter. Running around, buying three of the things I like just in case I can’t find them again. Getting up to check if the door is locked. Knowing what could happen if I leap. I don’t look excitedly towards the fulfilment of my dreams, I worry about what will happen if they come true. If I stopped typing right now and focused on my body, I guarantee you my shoulders would be up around my ears and my stomach would be in a knot.

My soldiers are always at their battle stations.

But I have chosen align as my focus for 2014, and when I am standing on a beach in Costa Rica, I do not want to be worrying whether or not I have worn the right SPF. It’s time to use my power for good. Instead of believing the worst that could happen, I am choosing to let go of red alert. I am choosing to release the tightness in my belly. I am letting go of the story I tell myself of having to control everything in order to be safe. I am choosing to decide for myself how I will react. Red alert will no longer be my operating procedure, but a signal that it is time to pause, breathe and make a conscious decision. It’s time to remember that a) I am a grown-up now, b) I am always safe and c) I’ve got this.

So thank you to Red Alert. Thank you for all of the gifts you have given me. But I am ready now to stop letting you rule my life. Thank you, but I’m letting you go.

This post is part of the Let it Go Project: a collection of stories leading up to a beautiful releasing ritual, hosted by Sas Petherick on the 30th of January. All the details for this free event are here. And you can take part! Be inspired by other posts in this project, and share what you are ready to let of of on the Let it Go Project Community Page!

Becoming Visible, fear

Have Tissues, Want to Travel

November 5, 2013

“It’s too bad that so much time has been wasted, but it would be unforgivable to wait any longer. You have the ability to contribute so much. We need you, now.” – Seth Godin, The Icarus Deception

It happens every time.

Every. Time.

And I have done enough self-inquiry to know that there is more to this than bad luck.

Every time I start to move forward I get sick or damaged in some way; it’s always just enough to make forward movement much more difficult, if not temporarily impossible.

Yoga has the swiftest reaction. Just 5 days of yoga can bring on any number of disgusting ailments. And yes, I know that it’s because I am shifting stuff – what I need now is to know how to shift stuff without it turning into snot.

I know that a lot of this has to do with protection. But I also know that I am capable of so much. That I am ready to do so much. That I don’t need to protect myself any more. I need to find a way to tell my deep-inside control panel that it is safe for me to step out and be big.

I need to know deep deep down that it safe for me to move. And I want to do it without the need for kleenex.

Because for me, right now, movement is non-negotiable.

Becoming Visible, Brave, emerge, fear

Afraid of My Light

October 8, 2013

“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

My green-eyed monster reared its ugly head today. Instead of seething in a soup of jealousy, I got very still, closed my eyes, and asked it what it wanted. It turned out that inside of my head was a small green gremlin, jumping up and down shouting, “See me too! See me too!”

When I sat with it and cuddled it and tried to understand it, it disappeared. In its place was a very small soul. Looking out at me through tangled hair, it was huddled in a dark corner. The message coming from it was very different. The message coming from it was, “It’s not safe to be seen.”

No matter how long I sat there and tried to visualise it uncurling and coming out of hiding, it wouldn’t budge. This is a very deep, very old piece – possibly even older than I am – and like approaching a frightened animal, I know I need to take it slowly. I need to move a little closer to it every day; gain its trust before it will allow me in.

I share this today because the more I get to know myself and the more time I spend with other women, the more I understand that we are desperately afraid of ourselves. We are afraid to want. Afraid to be big. Afraid to be loud. Afraid to take up space. Afraid to be seen.

We are afraid of our light.

But we want those things just as much. We want to be seen. We want to stretch out to our edges. We want to be lit up from the inside so that we can shine that light outwards.

And the world needs that light. So badly.

So I told that little soul that I would be back. Every day. And together we would figure it out – until we both felt safe being seen. I committed to this because I know that every time one of us heals – even just a little – we shine a little brighter, and that light can help others do the same.

What will it take to shine your light?

Older Posts

Newer Posts

Letting Go of Red Alert

“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals.” ― Winifred Gallagher

Have Tissues, Want to Travel

“It’s too bad that so much time has been wasted, but it would be unforgivable to wait any longer. You have the ability to contribute so much. We need you, now.” – Seth Godin, The Icarus Deception

Afraid of My Light

“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

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