Yearly Archives

2011

Quotes, Sacred Feminine, totems

Thoughts on starting again.

May 8, 2011

“Because we know ourselves to be made from this earth.” – Susan Griffin 

 

white feather webWell hello there. Yes, I am here. It’s been awhile. Since I last posted I haven’t written a single word. Not one. Not even in my journal.  I am not certain what happened, but it all went inside into a strange quiet and stayed there until just this minute.

Instead of writing, I have been listening.  I’ve been listening to Debbie Rosas talk about how women can been afraid of the sensation of life flowing through them. I’ve been reading. I’ve been reading books with various explanations of the sacred; the most recent one also addressing the flow of life, but in an entirely different way.

There has been a lot going on in my head and I haven’t been feeling able to put it all together. Sacred – Feminine – Peltthis woman says it much better than I can right now (thanks to Terri Fischer for reminding me to open this book again):

…now we stand at the edge of this marsh and do not go closer, allow them their distance, penetrate them only with our minds, only with our hearts, because though we can advance upon the blackbird, though we may cage her, though we may torture her with our will, with the boundaries we imagine, this bird will never be ours, she may die, this minute heart stop beating, the body go cold and hard, we may tear the wings apart and cut open the body and remove what we want to see, but still this blackbird will not be ours and we will have nothing. And even if we keep her alive. Train her to stay indoors. Clip her wings. Train her to sit on our fingers. Though we feed her, and give her water, still this is not the blackbird we have captured, for the blackbird, which flies now over our heads, whose song reminds us of a flute, who migrates with the stars, who lives among reeds and rushes, threading a nest like a hammock, who lives in flocks, chattering in the grasses, this creature is free of our hands, we cannot control her, and for the creature we have tamed, the creature we keep in our house, we must make a new word. For we did not invent the blackbird, we say, we only invented her name. And we never invented ourselves, we admit…” -Susan Griffin (more here)

I feel a story brewing.

xo

emotions, grief, love, Musings

Missing You ~

March 27, 2011

“People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams.  Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal.” – Patricia Hampl

 

flower under tree

I’m full of thought today.  Memories have been swamping me, leaving me feeling a little breathless.  I’m not sure what has triggered them all, but I know that these days in March always leave me a little sad.  I lost people dear to me over a span of days in subsequent Marches some years ago, and the anniversary of those losses has never gone away.  Does it ever? Can you ever get through an anniversary without thinking about it? I doubt it.

My dreams have also been filled with old, old friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in at least a decade.  Why are they all stopping here now?  Why are they so fully with me that I want to ring them up to make sure their voices sound the same?  Echoes and memories and 17-year-old versions of us are giving me shivers up and down my back as I let them in.  They are so close I can almost smell them.

Big stuff must be surfacing.

In 2006 I wrote a poem about a friend who we lost one March a lifetime ago.  It has been one of the voices in my head so I need to put it here. I ask you again ~ do anniversaries ever get easier?

For M ~

When you died
we were twenty.
Two souls –
three days apart.
Salt and pepper
light and dark
girl and boy.

It doesn’t get easier –

It gets harder
because some days
I don’t think of you at all
and then when I do
I remember.

Where is the line?
The one that you crossed.
The one between
sadness and darkness?
Why couldn’t you see
the way back?

I miss you.

There is a hole inside of me
where you used to be
It is surrounded by questions
that you can’t answer.

You’ve missed a lot
you know.
I’ve danced alone at two weddings
and you’re an uncle now.
I’m an aunt, too.
Or do you know that already?

Please
come back.
Explain it all to me.

Two souls.
Three days apart.
One will be twenty forever
and one never will be again.

xoox

emerge

Unfamiliar Ground

February 9, 2011

“So off we go, down into a different world, under a different sky, with unfamiliar ground beneath our boots.” – Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

 

bud on tree meggThe week before Mark and I got married, our families hosted a rehearsal dinner for us.  Well I decided that I would rock some killer heels for the party and bought a fabulous pair of green shoes.  The confidence they gave me caused much hair flipping and sassy leg crossing until about half-way through the party.  I know that you all think I’m going to say my feet hurt, but they weren’t the problem.  No.  I actually began to feel uncomfortable being a different size.

Taller than my Dad, my Mom and my fiance, I didn’t fit into the space normally held for me.  At first I enjoyed the feeling, but as the night wore on I felt like I was taking up too much space.  When I had first arrived people talked about how great my shoes were but as my confidence shrunk they talked instead about how tall I was wearing them.

I took them off.

This week I have felt the same way: like I was taking up a different space.  Claiming my space as a writer felt so liberating, but as the days passed I felt a pressure to write something marvelous or put up a killer blog post.  Instead I played around on Pinterest and didn’t write a thing.  The ground I was walking on was too unfamiliar and I began kicking off my shoes.

Space once claimed however, does not go quietly!  Characters have been bombarding me and stories have appeared around every corner (literally – they have accosted me on my walk to work.)  I’ve sat them down in a circle and told them to wait their turn.  They grumbled a bit, but when I gave them stickers with numbers on them like American Idol contestants, they gave in.  And looking over the assembled I can safely say that this next book is going to be delicious.

So I’ve begun writing again.  With these folks waiting I haven’t got time to feel small.

In the meantime if you are on my mailing list, watch your inbox.  I might just send out a bedtime story or two.

xo