December 2009

“If anything at all were possible, how would you live your life?” – Christiane Northrup

I remember going to visit one of my Uncles when I was about 12.  He had the most amazing music collection.  To me all of those albums felt like magic. I can trace the growth of my CD/ download collection back to the moment I stood in his living room and realized that I wanted a cool music collection too.  Can jealousy help us become who we are?

I started working at a summer camp when I was 16.  One of the older counsellors was so cool.  She wore converse shoes with huge socks (hey, it was the early 90s!) and the coolest clothing I had ever seen.  I bought converse shoes on my first break, and wore them with huge socks.  A year later I arrived at camp with a wardrobe and good friends of my own and watched as the younger staff copied the fashion of the older generation.  Was it really about shoes?

In January 2006 I saw the adventure that some of my favorite bloggers had when they met in person.  A week after they met, Swirly wrote a post that galvanized me to start my own blog.  In the years since, I have made some incredible friends – and yes – I have even met some in person!  It was jealousy that cracked me open enough to be brave.

The thing I am learning on my journey to create my wings is that every emotion is actually a message.  Jealousy is nothing more than realizing that there is something that you want for yourself.  I know it wasn’t about music or shoes or being friends with those specific women.  Jealousy was me wanting to be more than I was. I wanted to be cool, to be accepted, to have my own tribe of women to meet.  By listening to jealousy’s whispers, I have made decisions and choices that have made me who I am.

Now I think it is exciting when I get jealous!  Jealousy does not take away from how happy I am for other people when they do well –  I think it actually makes me a better friend – I can be thrilled for them knowing that there is enough for me too!

Doing some blog surfing today I felt awe and jealousy when I saw Jaime’s photographs, Jenn’s book deal, Kelly Rae’s success, and Danielle’s general blazing-ness.  I want to celebrate their achievements and share the inspiration.  Separately from that, I know that I want some of that beauty, honesty, and success for myself.  Luckily I also know that there is plenty of that to go around if I work hard enough.

Roar.

What is jealousy telling you today?